Thinking about Gretchen... Dying.

So, I was driving along State Street, Orem, at 5:30 this morning, and I was suddenly struck with one of those moments. I imagined that some incident left me dead on the side of the road. What would happen? I thought about it and ran through the scenario as I tend to do

...but, honestly, for whatever reason I was somewhat disinterested in it.

Then, I thought about what would happen if Gretchen died... and suddenly I was struck with how my life might be should she die. I was late for work, having driven around aimlessly, lost in this scenario. I really didn't think of the emotional trauma or sadness that might be involved, although I was always acutely aware of it.

My first thought: Exercise. I would have to lose weight! That's seriously the first thing that I thought of. Then I thought of Haven, and whether or not I could raise her alone... and when I would have to have help with her, and who I would seek it from. I thought of the sickness of uncertainty and how I would never have been uncertain alone before but how desperately frightened I would be having lost.

Then I thought finding someone else, which was the most sickening thought of all. I suddenly felt the distance in my associations and realized how utterly pathetic our attempts at connecting with others so often are. We really don't see each other, and I knew that attempting to reforge such a connection with someone... which would have been intriguing to me before I was married... would seem such a useless game to me now.

All in all it was quite a downer, but useful in that it has, at least for a few moments, allowed me to see a few aspects of my life in a new light. It was interesting.